


Camelot is Typing...

by mooonwaffle



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, BAMF everyone, Comedy, Drama, Elyan has a crush on Merlin, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gay, Gay and straight characters, Group chat, Group skype, I need validation, Jealous Arthur Pendragon, Just weed folks, Laugh I'm funny, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Merlin is a Little Shit, Merlin knows, Mordred is straight, Recreational Drug Use, Romantic Comedy, School, School Dances, Sexual Content, Texting, Texting story, This is just a big ol' gay book, until it comes to Merlin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-08-23 20:09:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16625612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooonwaffle/pseuds/mooonwaffle
Summary: HOT KNIGHT:   Percy, what does BFG mean?BFG:   Big Friendly Giant, what else?ARTHUR:   that’s accurateBFG:   Merlin makes me give him piggyback ridesARTHUR:   I’m sure he doesHOT KNIGHT:   it could stand for Big Fat GoatARTHUR:   or Ballistic Food GangsBFG:   OR BIG FRIENDLY GIANT >:(Welcome, welcome. This is the point in your day when you stumble across my book and question your life choices... Enjoy!





	1. Welcome Peasants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter for the intro, sorry! I promise they'll get longer :)
> 
> Thanks for reading, guys, gals and non-binary pals.

 

_ Hot Knight has created a group chat _

 

_ Hot Knight has renamed this chat  _ _ Welcome Peasants _

 

**Merls:** Gwaine, wtf?

**Arthur:** yeah, I didn’t sign up for this

**Hot Knight:** you love me

**BFG:** I love you

**Hot Knight** : ;)

**Merls:** please keep your gayness quiet, I’m trying to sleep

**Arthur:** it’s the middle of the school day?

**Merls:** exactly. This is my scheduled nap time

**Arthur:** I’m rolling my eyes right now, just so you know

**Merls:** SLEEPING

**Hot Knight:** Percy, what does BFG mean?

**BFG:** Big Friendly Giant, what else?

**Arthur:** that’s accurate

**BFG:** Merlin makes me give him piggyback rides

**Arthur:** I’m sure he does

**Hot Knight:** it could stand for Big Fat Goat

**Arthur:** or Ballistic Food Gangs

**BFG:** OR BIG FRIENDLY GIANT >:(

**Hot Knight:** u right u right babe

**BFG:** :)

**Merls:** fuck off

**Arthur:** Merlin, just pay attention and sleep at home, at night… y’know, like normal people

**Merls:** nooo

**Arthur:** smh

**Arthur:** we need more people in this chat

**Merls:** but you guys are the only people I know

**BFG:** same

 

_ Hot Knight has added  _ **_IamElyan_ ** _ and  _ **_Gweny♡_ **

 

**Merlin:** Gwaine

**Hot Knight:** what?

**Merls:** nothing

**IamElyan:** i am elyan

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** that’s my bro. I’m the sis

**IamElyan:** i am bro

**BFG:** hello!

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** are you that buff dude who’s always giving that emotional kid piggyback rides?

**Merls:** hey!

**BFG:** that is I

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** cool, I’ve seen you before and I’ve always wanted to talk to you but you’re kinda intimidating

**BFG:** BUT IM BIG FRIENDLY GIANT

**Hot Knight:** he’s big friendly giant

**BFG:** IM BIG FRIENDLY GIANT

**IamElyan:** i am elyan

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** okay :) next time I see you I’ll say hi

**BFG:** :)

**Merls:** I’m not emotional

**Hot Knight:** …

**Arthur:** …

**BFG:** …

**Merls:** fuck off. I’m gonna go cry now

**Arthur:** point proven

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** can I add my crush to the chat?

**Hot Knight:** sure. But new members can read the chat history so you might wanna delete that

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** oo I will ty

 

_ Gweny has added  _ **_MorganaIguana_ **

 

**Arthur:** WHAAAA

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** shhh

**Arthur:** hello… sister

**MorganaIguana:** hello, little brother

**Arthur:** shut up

**MorganaIguana:** say that again and I’m not giving you your Christmas present :/

**Merls:** heyy, G!

**MorganaIguana:** MERLIN MY BOI

**Merls:** am I emotional?

**MorganaIguana:** like physically or mentally?

**Merls:** both

**MorganaIguana:** yes, definitely

**Merls:** I’m going back to sleep

**Arthur:** you do you, boo

**Merlin:** …

**Merlin:** k

**Arthur:** ugh

**IamElyan:** i am concussed

**IamElyan:** i am confused

 


	2. Morgauseiliscious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwen explains why Elyan is concussed. Merlin isn't so pure as he thinks he is. There are too many names that start with Mor. And Elyan has a crush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooorry this took so long. It's hard to write texting stories!
> 
> Enjoy?

**MorganaIguana:** why are you concussed, Elyan?

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** because he’s stupid and ran himself straight into a pole

**IamElyan:** the pole was mean :(

**MorganaIguana:** wow, tough life, man

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** the doctor said he’d be fine in a couple of days

**Arthur:** Gwen, do we have homework in chem?

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** I don’t know. 

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** I was home taking care of Elyan

**IamElyan:** I don’t need help

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** you walked into the door this morning, hon

**IamElyan:** the door walked into me!

**Arthur:** that’s physics, kids

 

 

**Arthur:** this is just a daily reminder to take your supplements, vitamins and drink milk to make your bones stay strong and healthy!

 

###  Merls has added **KingCen**

 

**Merls:** hey

**Hot Knight:** WHO’S THIS

**KingCen:** sup

**Arthur:** aren’t you that drug dealer?

**KingCen:** that’d be me

**IamElyan:** how’d it go from vitamins to this?

**Hot Knight:** excuse me, Merlin, but this is supposed to be a PG chat room!

**MorganaIguana:** is it tho?

**Merls:** come on, Cenred’s a cool lad

**KingCen:** yah

**KingCen:** you people need to chill, smoke some weeed. I can hook you up

**Merls:** I’m pure, I have a sin-free soul. I shall not dirty my conscience with satan’s salad.

**MorganaIguana:** you let that uni student fuck you in the back room at McDonalds

**Merls:** hm… true

**Arthur:** what?!

**MorganaIguana:** and that guy who’s in prison now

**Arthur:** WHAT?!

**MorganaIguana:** just kidding!

**Merls:** that last one was a joke

**Merls:** but the first one wasn’t ;)

**Arthur:** when?

**Merls:** idk… does it matter?

**Arthur:** whatever

**KingCen:** wow, talk about  _ tension _

**Arthur:** what? There’s no tension. What are you talking about?

**KingCen:** riiigghhhttt, okaayyy

**KingCen:** let me know when you need a condom. I sell those too

**HotKnight:** aaalllright anyyywayyyyy

**HotKnight:** add more peopleeee. I need it to be GaYer

**Merls:** more drug dealers or…

**HotKnight:** anything’s fine. 

**Arthur:** NO! NO MORE DRUG DEALERS

**Hot Knight:** But no furries. Those things creep me out, man

**IamElyan:** :(

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** Els, you’re not a furry. Go to sleep.

 

###  KingCen has added **Morgauseiliscious**

 

**HotKnight:** dear, god, please change your name. I’m not writing that whole thing every time I tag you [@Morgauseiliscious](https://www.google.com/search?q=HEEELLLOOOOOOOOOO+-mooonwaffle&oq=HEEELLLOOOOOOOOOO+-mooonwaffle&aqs=chrome..69i57.23195j1j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8)

**Morgauseiliscious:** awwww fiinnee

 

###  Morgauseiliscious has changed their name to **Morgause**

 

**Morgause:** better? >:(

**HotKnight:** yes [@Morgause](https://www.google.com/search?q=HEEELLLOOOOOOOOOO+-mooonwaffle&oq=HEEELLLOOOOOOOOOO+-mooonwaffle&aqs=chrome..69i57.23195j1j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8)

**Arthur:** WHAT THE FUCK

**Morgause:** brother?

**MorganaIguana:** wHAT?!

**Morgause:** sister?

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** you three know each other?

**Arthur:** no, we just like to call ourselves siblings for fun

**Arthur:** YES WE KNOW EACH OTHER

**MorganaIguana:** Morgause used to live with us when we were wee ones but her mother (our stepmum) took her when she got divorced with our father

**BFG:**  how do you know it's her?

 **Arthur:**...

 **Arthur:** who else has the name MORGAUSE?

**Morgause:** true story

**IamElyan:** all this ‘Mor’ shit is making my head hurt. Too many ‘Mors’

**BFG:** go to sleep, Elyan or this giant’s gonna snuggle you until you pass out

**HotKnight:** was that… kinky?

**BFG:** what?! nO!

**IamElyan:** I’m too pure

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** and you like someone else… ;)

**MorganaIguana:** what? Whooooo?

**Arthur:** aww, Ely-wely has a cruuuush?

**IamElyan:** shut up, guys. He knows I fancy him so it doesn’t matter

**BFG:** does he feel the same?

**IamElyan:** what do you think?

**MorganaIguana:** …

**BFG:** …

**Arthur:** …

**KingCen:** well that’s just sad


	3. Thicc Crust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone may or may not be hitting on Merlin, Elyan is sad because his crush doesn't like him back, Gwen might ask Morgana out, Gwen wants to kill Percival with her chem book and Percival just wants the Buddha to save him from thicc crust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm progressively making these longer. That's an achievement, right?

**Merls:** fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

**HotKnight:** dear, Buddha, what is it?

**Merls:** hot guy, ten o’clock

**Arthur:** who?

**Merls:** fuck idk

**Merls:** he keeps looking at me! What do I do?!

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** what does he look like?

**Merls:** hot

**Merls:** just really fucking hot. Like holy shit.

**Arthur:** we get it, damn

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** besides being hot, what does he look like

**Merls:** he’s got curly hair. A reaaalllyyy nice jaw. He looks straight as hell!

**Merls:** oh, he looks so straight. Like, he’s got adidas leggings, those stupid white shoes and some fuck boy shirt. He’s one of those popular lads.

**Merls:** oh fuuuuck, he has a stud earring

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** sounds like Mordred

**MorganaIguana:** oh, goody. More Mors

**MorganaIguana:** can that be a thing? Instead of more we say Mor? ;)

**Morgause:** YES

**Arthur:** oh, I’ve heard he’s a dick

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** actually, not as bad as you’d think for being a popular boi

**Arthur:** whatever

**Merls:** I don’t think he’s straight

**HotKnight:** Mordred? No, he’s 100% straight. He’s always shagging that Kara girl in my chem class… and that Mithian girl in my Spanish class

**Arthurs:** sounds like an arse

**Merls:** HOLY

**Merls:** HE JUST LOOKED ME UP AND DOWN AND BIT HIS LIP

**Merls:** AND IT WASN’T LIKE AN ACCIDENT OR ANYTHING. NO, HE WENT FOR THE WHOLE DAMN BOTTOM LIP AND LOOKED ME STRAIGHT (ha) IN THE EYES. FUCK THAT WAS HOT

**Arthur:** are you sure he’s not looking at someone behind you?

**Merls:** I sit in the back

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** aww,  I think it’s sweet

**Merls:** the only problem is he’s taking away my nap time

**Arthur:** dear god

**I** **amElyan:** I’m sad

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** what’s wrong baby bro? Did someone hurt you? I’ll beat their faces with my chem book!

**IamElyan:** noooo

**IamElyan:** he didn’t hurt me

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** is this about Merlin?

**IamElyan:** …

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** you gotta get over him

**IamElyan:** but it’s haaard. It’s not a tiny little crush. It’s a  _**M A S S I V E** _ crush!

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** well, you have to at least try to get over him

**IamElyan:** but he’s soooo cute

**IamElyan:** and he’s nice and sweet to me

**IamElyan:** and steals my orange juice at lunch

**IamElyan:** I love when he steals my oj :(

**IamElyan:** I always get extra pulp for him :)

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** look, I know how you feel. I really like Morgana and I know she’ll never feel the same.

**IamElyan:** BUT SHE DOES. YOU JUST CAN’T SEE IT.

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** she doesn’t, El.

**IamElyan:** ugH

**IamElyan:** come on, sis! You actually have an opportunity, take it! I will never have a chance with Merlin. Do it for me :(

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** you want me to ask her out?

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** idk, bro. I pretty sure it’s one-sided

**IamElyan:** NO IT’S NOT

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** fine. We’ll see…

**IamElyan:** you wanna know what IS one-sided?!

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** stop

**IamElyan:** _**M Y  F E E L I N G S  F O R  M E R L I N** _

**HotKnight:** you do know this isn’t a private chat right?

**HotKnight:** like, I’ve just been reading everything this whole time…

**HotKnight:** it's pretty depressing  


**IamElyan:** …

**IamElyan:** this is the group chat?

**IamElyan:** brb, deleting EVERYTHING

**BFG:** GWEN AND MORGANA, SITTING IN A TREE

**Gweny ** _♡:_**** NO  


**BFG:**  K-I-S-S-I-N-G

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** I’m taking out my chem book.

**HotKnight:** run, my love

**BFG:** I’M RUNNING AS FAST AS MY TALL LEGS CAN CARRY ME

**IamElyan:** why are you actually running?

**BFG:** BECAUSE SHE’S CHASING ME DOWN THE HALLS LIKE A CHEETAH WITH HER BLOODY CHEM BOOK. HER THREAT WAS QUITE LITERAL!

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** come back here YoU BEasT

**KingCen:** did someone say Beastie Boys?

**IamElyan:** …

**BFG:** ...

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** no. No, Cenred. No one said Beastie Boys

**KingCen:** “Listen all of y’all, it’s a sabotage”

**BFG:** I think I’m safe. I’m hiding in the back of the music room.

**HotKnight:** Babe. You’re. Stupid.

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** >:0)

**BFG:** OH GOD

**BFG:** OH, DEAR GODS, NO

**BFG:** PLEASE

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** this chem book has been recently updated. It  now has 600 pages that are more durable than ever>:0)

**IamElyan:** that is gonna hurt, mate

**BFG:** husband?

**HotKnight:** yes, b?

**BFG:** i-if I don’t make it out of here-

**HotKnight:** no, don’t talk like that, Percy!

**BFG:** I-I just want you to know *starts hacking violently* t-that-

**HotKnight:** yes, my love? What do you want me to know?

**BFG:** I want you t-to know that-

**BFG:** thin crust is pizza is better than thicc crust

**HotKnight:** YOU BITCH. TAKE THAT BACK

**BFG:** *dies*

**HotKnight:** I STG IF I HAVE TO REVIVE YOUR HEADASS AND MAKE YOU ADMIT THICC CRUST IS BETTER, I WILL

**HotKnight:** someone grab me a Domino’s box, a thicc crust pizza, some pizza sauce and twelve breadsticks… we’re reviving this bitch

**KingCen:** on it

**HotKnight:** now, repeat after me

**HotKnight:** In a large bowl, combine flour, salt, baking powder, olive oil, corn syrup, and water until thoroughly combined. In a small bowl, combine tomato paste and tomatoes. Top thicc crust with pizza sauce. Transfer pizza on the parchment paper to pizza stone. Bake.

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** I gave up on killing him. They’re celebrating someone’s birthday in one of the rooms so I stopped chasing after him to get cake.  I’m pretty sure he’s alive.

**Gweny** **_♡:_ ** it’s this really good chocolate cake with raspberry filling. 10/10 would recommend.

**BFG:** *InHaLE* Four Noble Truths, Percy, Four Noble Truths

**IamElyan:** is he talking to himself again?

**BFG:** Suffering happens. It has a cause. It has an end. There is a way to bring about its end.

**BFG:** OH, BUDDHA, SAVE ME FROM THE THICC CRUST

**IamElyan:** we broke him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahahahahahHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH IM SO FUNNY


End file.
